Monday, July 16, 2012

PhanPhest Part Phour: Phiten Phullocrap

One of the more interesting booths at FanFest was the Phiten booth.  I’ve always been curious about Phiten products and popped in to check them out.  For those not up to speed, Phiten makes those rope looking necklaces that you see on a lot of MLB players.  Apparently, they are supposed to provide energy or balance your magnetic field or something like that.  

I was immediately greeted by a very nice young Asian girl who asked me if I had any pains. 

“Sure I do, but they’re over at a table having a snack right now.”  Bada-bing!

Actually, I didn’t say that, but it would have been hysterical if I had.  I told her I didn’t have any pains, so she asked me to hold my right arm our with the palm of my hand facing up.  The then asked me to bend my fingers backwards toward my body and asked if I could feel tension in my forearms.  The massive, rippling, muscles in my forearm tugged a little, and I said “yes.” 

She then peeled off what looked like a small round bandaid and placed it on the part of my forearm where I said I could feel tension, and then just looked at me and nodded her head.   We stood there in silence for a few moments, and then for whatever reason, I said “Great.” 

She nodded and peeled the sticker off my arm and asked me to do arm exercise again.   I felt the same tension,  and I wasn’t sure if that was what was supposed to happen or not.  I nodded my head and said “Great,” again.  I was hoping to get some sort of explanation of what just happened, but instead she ushered me over to an iPad where I could put in my email address and get some discs decorated with my favorite team logo.  I put in a phony email address and asked for Rangers stickers. 

“No Rangers,” she said.

I asked for the Royals.  “No Royals” she said.

I asked for the Yankees. “No Yankees” she said.

I looked into the box and saw the Angels among some other teams.  I hate the Angels.  But I figured if I was going to be sticking these on my body, it would be as if the Angels were sucking me on…  well, I chose the Angels stickers.  I looked around at the cases of  necklaces a little, and was disappointed no one offered to let me try one on. 

I’ve always thought the Phiten necklaces and bracelets were pretty cool looking, but besides them being expensive I didn’t understand what the point was.   If any Phiten exectutive is reading this, please accept my apologies if you think I’m bashing your company, and please feel free to send me a Rangers necklace or wristband.  I assure you I will give it a fantastic write up, and even if it does nothing for me, I will say that it does. 

I'll take one of these Mr./Mrs. Phiten Executive

I spent some time on Phiten’s website trying to figure out what their products are supposed to do.   Turns out, Phiten doesn’t really seem to know what they are supposed to do either.  Maybe there is a smug pretty boy out there that can help.  Cue CJ Wilson (by the way, this quote is direct from the Phiten website):

“I first tried Phiten during spring training in 2005, when recovering from my elbow surgery. I tried RAKUWA Necklace and Power Tape and felt difference. After that, I visited the Phiten shop three times a year when our team has a game in Seattle. At the shop there, I learnt (sic) a lot about products and tried them one after another. As I used a lot of products including the drinking water and bed pad, I became more interested in Phiten. I often give Phiten shirts and socks to my teammates as a present wishing them to feel the power of Phiten that I believe.”

First of all…. My God he looks like such an ass.  Yes, I know he dates some ridiculously hot girls, so good for him.  I also suspect this quote went through some translations before landing on the website.  I’m curious about the linking of the drinking water and bed pad.  I would mention these items separately if I were CJ, because it sounds like he has a bed wetting problem. 

I can tell you that I have had an open mind to these discs and currently have 4 stuck to my lower back, which has been stiff lately.  Other than the lovely wife asking why the hell I have stickers on my back, I haven’t noticed much change.  But I’m keeping them on, hoping that I too can believe I can feel the power of Phiten.

Once I experienced the power of Phiten, I used it more and more”
-CJ Wilson

“Once I experienced the placebo effect of Phiten Discs, I figured I could make some too”
-Napkin Doon

That’s right.  DoonDiscs are coming, starting tomorrow.  Get in line kids.


Play at the Plate said...


I've always thought "someone" could be a bed wetter.

The Lost Collector said...

Great post, Doon. Funny stuff.

Matt Perry said...

They are a scam. When they ask you to hold your arm out, they apply tension in a specific spot. When they add the band/necklace/sticker, they change the angle of that tension to lessen it.

Explained here in a great video...