I’m sure you people think all it takes to participate in an auction at Cleve’s is just showing up and bidding on what you want. I wish I could type the sound of me scoffing at that notion. These auctions are attended by some of the most cut throat mercenaries known to man, especially the junior high kids. Preparation is important, nay, essential for success.
I have to start getting ready at least a week in advance, and the day of the auction, my preparation is especially intense, starting a good 12 hours before the auction starts. Since I am taking that day off from work, my preparation schedule is a little different than usual. I thought I would share my plan with you, just so you can see what all goes into this thing:
6:30 AM- Offer moral support to the lovely wife as she gets out of bed to take care of the 2 year old who just woke up. Then, go back to sleep. This is not as easy as I make it look.
9:00 AM- Wake up and see what the lovely wife has made me for breakfast. Once “Nothing” has been confirmed, make a cup of coffee and check Words with Friends. Request rematches with the Lost Collector and The Daily Dimwit after verifying yet more beatings from them.
9:30 AM- Check Gmail for comments on my blog. That takes 5 seconds. Then I read any other new blog posts that show up in Google Reader.
10:00 AM- Actually, I don’t do a whole lot from here until around 1. I’ll probably eat some lunch or something. But don’t get me wrong. This period of relaxation is crucial toward my preparation.
1:00 PM- Right arm stretching. My right arm is my preference for raising my hand to acknowledge I want to bid on something. I usually have my phone in my left hand at the auction, and am able to play Angry Birds while bidding. I try to do 3 sets of 10 reps of right arm raises. I might get tired after one set though, and I try not to push it too hard.
1:30 PM- Recovery from right arm stretching. While I’m recovering, I am able to think about baseball cards at the same time since I’m pretty adept at multi tasking.
2:00 PM- Ice cream usually sounds good about this time. Again, I think about baseball cards while I’m eating.
2:30 PM- Recovery from eating ice cream.
3:00 PM- Neck stretches. Once you’ve been outbid on something and no longer wish to continue bidding, it is good form to slowly shake your head “no” when Cleve looks in your direction to ascertain if you will continue to bid. Severe neck cricks are a legitimate threat if your neck is not adequately loose.
3:30 PM- Recovery from neck stretches.
4:00 PM- Crunch time approaches. Time to look at my favorite baseball cards to get myself psyched up.
4:30 PM- Request make-out session from the lovely wife to get my confidence to peak levels.
4:31 PM- Try to figure out another way to get my confidence to peak levels after rejection from lovely wife.
4:45 PM Recovery from not being able to come up with anything else. As I’m recovering, my trainer (my 5 year old boy) will help tape my ankles and fingers. Taped ankles help me keep from twisting my ankle as I climb the 3 steps up to Cleve’s. The taped fingers don’t help with anything, but they look cool. I had thought about wearing some eye-black or a mouth guard, but realized that would be absurd.
5:00 PM Time to go over auction checklist with surgical precision and make sure I have all the necessary tools:
5:30 PM Once I verify I have both of those things, I get in my truck and drive to Cleve’s.
6:00 PM Verify seating location of my nemesis. Shoot dirty looks in his direction. Make sure he sees my taped fingers.
6:30 Auction begins.